7/5/09 The Upgrade’s New Idea

The Upgrade’s New Idea
By Ryan Britt

Lights up on a group of four men. All are dressed in Victorian era three-piece suits in the style of Col. Mustard or Doctor Watson. These outfits are accented with pocket watches, monocles, and waistcoats. All four men also possess profound mustaches, though these are obviously made of cardboard. In addition, each man wears one white over-sized button that has printed on it a large number. The numbers on the buttons are as follows: 1.0, 1.5, 1.2, and 1.9. These are the characters’ names. All four men appear to be appropriately elderly or “stately” in keeping with their clichéd costumes. However the authenticity of their old age should seem highly dubious.

The men are sitting around on what appear to be 1970s easy chairs, speaking to each other.

ONE POINT FIVE
Harrumph!

ONE POINT TWO
Harrumph!

ONE POINT NINE
Harrumph!
ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

All now begin to “harrumph” on top of one another, as in a round of singing, until all are “harrumphing” in unison.

ALL
HURRUMPH! HURRUMPH! HURRUMPH!

TWO POINT OH enters. He resembles the others but is clearly supposed to be younger and his cardboard mustache is colored with red marker. The chanting stops abruptly when he enters.

TWO POINT OH
What are all of you on about?

ONE POINT FIVE
We all think your proposal is preposterous!

ONE POINT NINE
Absurd!

ONE POINT TWO
Poppycock!

TWO POINT OH
I see, I see. And what do you think, One Point Oh, father of us all?

ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

TWO POINT OH
I thought you might say something like that. But then again, you weren’t the inventor of language, were you, old man?

ONE POINT TWO
That was me!

ONE POINT FIVE
Yes, yes, and look what that did. The universe is a much more chatty place thanks to you old chap!

ONE POINT TWO
It seemed like a good idea at the time…

ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

ONE POINT NINE
I quite like language. I think it’s lovely.

ONE POINT TWO
Listen, One Point Nine, just because you think you created hurtful sarcasm, doesn’t mean you get to abuse it all the time.

ONE POINT NINE
Why, I have no idea what you mean old chap.

ONE POINT FIVE
Whatever, language is going the way of the Dodo. We won’t need it soon.

ONE POINT TWO
You’re a Dodo!

ONE POINT NINE
That’s what she said.

TWO POINT OH
Fellas! Fellas! Stop fighting about things we can’t change. Sure, being gods and the creators of everything is a total drag, and we all make mistakes. Maybe language was a huge one. I don’t know. Not really my department. I do know “that’s what she said” jokes are definitely out though.

ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

TWO POINT OH
Oh be quiet!

ONE POINT FIVE
Well, are you going to defend yourself old chap, or flap your lips all day long?

ONE POINT NINE
Yes, yes, new-god! Get to the point. Explain to us how your “idea” is going to work.

ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

TWO POINT OH
Well gang, it’s like this. The way I see it, we’ve been creating stuff for a long time. And I think it’s high time some of our mortal creations get a taste of what it’s like to be eternal.

ONE POINT NINE
Oh, because being an eternal God is so utterly smashing….

ONE POINT TWO
Shut up! Let him go on!

TWO POINT OH
Thank you One Point Two. What I’m saying guys, is simple: the lives of us gods, whether we’re the new models or the original, are simply thankless. If somebody wrote a collected biography on all of us it would probably be called “A Tale of Infinite Cruelty”. I mean, our lives suck! And they’re never going to end!

ONE POINT FIVE
And you propose we take this out on the mortals! Absurd! Beyond terrible.

ONE POINT NINE
Oh yes, I do love the mortals. I really want them to have a good time.

ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

TWO POINT OH
I’m not saying we take it out on them. Just that we make their existence more like ours. We give them a chance to experience all forms of life! We start them out as the smallest single-celled organism, and then cause them to exist as every link in the evolutionary chain. The only difference is now they’ll remember it all! All of it!

ONE POINT NINE
Are you still talking?

ONE POINT TWO
I still think it’s a bad idea.

ONE POINT FIVE
Yes. Utterly wretched. Not to mention, if they never get to exist as a Dodo, then they’ll never know what it’s really like to be one of us.

ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

TWO POINT OH
Well, guys. I already decided we’d try out the procedure on all of us first.

ALL
WHAT!!!

TWO POINT OH
That’s right. All of us will be reduced to single-celled amoebas in about one minute. Then we’ll live our lives as every thing. A monkey, a human, a super-human, a zlacktoid, an intelligent photonic, a living black hole. Everything. The whole sha-bang.

ONE POINT NINE
I think I’m going to be sick.

ONE POINT FIVE
I don’t understand what this will prove.

TWO POINT OH
That change is good. Even for eternal creatures. And if we have to create an illusion of change, so be it! It’s better than sitting around here all day long inventing things nobody will ever use!

ONE POINT OH
Harrumph!

TWO POINT OH
That’s the spirit! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!

AS TWO POINT OH chants on, all the others begin to turn into single-celled amoebas. This will be accomplished by all the characters pulling mutli-colored plastic bags over their entire bodies.

ONE POINT FIVE
Great! I’ve got one cell. Now what?

TWO POINT OH
Now. We wait… for evolution.

ALL
HARRUMPH!!!

LIGHTS OUT